God Gives You This Party That Never Ends

gulping gasoline to burn the brain out
heart burned out
fingertips, tongue, sex, and knee-caps
years and years ago
and god helps those who help themselves
so today life is lived literally

i remember tearing pages out
to stuff and roll with weed
holy ghost, holy high
seventeen and
crucifying childhood
with every scripture smoked
say goodbye to safety-nets
all happily-ever-afters

for eight years
i've been eating mostly
bits of cheek
nibbled from inside my mouth
like the bumper-sticker i saw
at age twelve: anorexics eventually
eat themselves

we are all dying off now, anyhow
trading drugs for sex holding hands with
death or turning inward
and going until the static slows
like a worker ant, like anything
means anything, after-all
even art
or pain

and because i love the burn
i often swallow a speck of ash
but, i want to rise
dancing
like smoke
like clips of fred astaire
for a moment
a glimmered peek at air's appeal

this fire is not sin for
i can do all things through
christ who strengthens me
including a set fire for my inner-eve

but i will leave you my bones
i promise my bones

so after when you are left with a new
strange hunger
shaped in my name
there will be bits of marrow
to scrape out
to feed on.

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© 2018 Monica Lewis